Falling into Fall

The only thing worse than standing in your bathroom with a roller brush in one hand and a blow-dryer in the other, wondering what the f*** have I done (see last post), is the realization that summer is over. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, more depressing than the reminder that in a week you are going to have to kiss patio drinking, 12 PM wakeups, and lazy beach days goodbye, and instead welcome 9 months of rain, late night study sessions, and gortex. 

Even though transitioning from summer to fall means means hauling out the sweaters, and packing up the string bikinis, there's something about the somewhat-sunny days, the crisp smell of leaves in the air, and the short-lived back-to-school excitement, that makes September my favourite month of the calendar year. 

For those of you who misappropriate Fall with turtlenecks, Hunter rain boots, and stolen umbrellas, let me stop you in your tracks-- there is no reason you can't incorporate your summer wardrobe. In fall. In this city. Throw on tights with that sundress. Finish off your t-shirt and jeans combo with a big scarf. Pair that mini with a blazer.  Rock your gladiator sandals with skinnys and a leather jacket. Wear boots with anything and everything. And for pete's sake, forget what your mother told you, and wear white after labour day. 

 But whatever you do, make sure there is relative balance to your outfit. Promise me that unless it is for a costume party, you will under no circumstances, try to look like a "snow-bunny/hula dancer caught in the 80's", ka-peesh? I saw a girl downtown last week in broad daylight wearing- and this pains me to repeat- a long sleeved sweater, a brown fur vest, a blue tropical print mini skirt, black knit leg warmers, and gold flip flops. I feel I don't need to say any more than that is a prime example of "What Not to Wear". Stacey and Clinton would be horrified.

So, so long as doing it doesn't land you on a TLC show, milk your florals for as long as you can, and don't retire you flip-flops just yet September is the time to slowly ween these things out of your closet; there is no need to take the parka out of storage just yet. Now read on for some transitional tips as we say goodbye to sangria, 12 hours sleep, and sun-kissed skin. It's been a fun run. 

A Girl's Guide to Making the Transition

Summery dress-check
Tights-check, boots-check,
cardi-check, non-fat latte-check

1. Layer. Layer. Layer. Wear a cami underneath a t-shirt, underneath a cardi, underneath a jacket. Don't layer like you are hitting the slopes, you don't want to look bulky like the Michelin man. Keep the layers light, and don't be afraid to show a little pop 'a colour. 

2. Whether they are thigh high, motorcycle, heeled, or ankle, realize boots anchor any outfit. Stock up on a couple different styles, and you'll be shocked at the wardrobe possibilities they open up. And, for future reference, summer is a great time to buy boots at low prices, think ahead to Fall and hit the sales racks before the beach. 

3. Complete your outfit with a blazer, leather jacket, or chunky sweater. Save that Mountain Equipment Co-op for the dreariest of days.  

4. I've already plugged leggings once, but I see no reason not to do it again. Leggings and tights (also known as 'inconvenient socks'), are perfect for the chilly days where you can't bring yourself to wear pants. Buy them either opaque, cable knit, or printed, and hopefully, assuming you aren't as klutzy as me, you won't snag them the first day you wear them. 

5. Remind yourself on the chilliest of days, that you are only two hundred- and something odd days away from lying poolside, and fake that summer tan if you must. 

Oops I did it again...I messed up my hair.

Ever found yourself fighting back tears in the hairdresser's chair, determined not to let on how disappointed that the layers you requested make you look like you have a mullet? Ever found yourself in the shower frantically emptying the contents of an entire bottle of shampoo onto your head, hoping to fade your jet black hair to the 'chocolate brown' you were after?  We've all been there, we've all had to pull out the baseball hat, or bobby-pin back our too short bangs- it's the risk you run with any change. There's a chance it will turn out amazingly, or,  as my personal research shows, there's an equally probable chance that you will hate it.

I myself am a creature of habit, far too predictable for my own good. But, every now and then I will find myself bored with the status quo, itching for a change...this usually results in a trip to the drug store to buy myself some poor decisions. I've tweezed my eyebrows beyond recognition, ended up with bright blonde highlights instead of caramel, over applied fake tanner, making myself look more Jersey Shore, and less 'honey bronzed'. I've cut my own chest length hair into a bob, experimented with Sun-In, trusted the cashier in London Drugs who told me "....it won't turn up that red on your hair". I've made every mistake in the book--there's untagged proof somewhere out there in cyber space. 

Makeovers are a risky undertaking, the payoff could be big, or it could land you under house lock down- that's partially what makes it so exciting. That said, to err on the side of caution, solicit your friends' advice, or seek a professionals; you're more likely to be pleased with the results that way. I speak from experience when I say there is nothing worse than standing in your bathroom with a roller brush in one hand, and a blow-dryer in the other, wondering what the f*** have I done? 

A Girl's Guide to Getting out the Door

1. If you smile enough, there's a chance people won't even notice what is happening on your head; wear it with confidence, and a killer headband.

2. Do the math: two bottles of hair dye, and an emergency run to the hair salon later, you've wound up spending more money than had you just shelled out the cash in the first place. If you can rack up a $100 bar tab, don't proclaim you "can't afford to have your hair done". Prioritize, and get it done right the first time through. By a professional. 

3. Whatever the problem might be, London Drugs likely has the solution. Just don't ask the cashier for her opinion, you might end up with fuschia hair. 

4. Realize google is your best friend. A gazillion other people have probably made the same mistake, someone out there has to have the answer. 

5. When all else fails, remember, your tan will fade, you hair will grow, and your eyebrows will too. Don't beat yourself up about it, because as the quote goes, "it happens to the best of us". 

I don't need a thesaurus to tell me "curvy" is synonymous with "fat"

In a perfect world, were someone to give us the choice, I am sure there isn't a woman out there who wouldn't choose Alexandra Ambrossio's body (and face) over her own - speak up now if there is another Victoria Secret model's body you would rather.  But since genetics didn't bless us all Maxim ready, the remaining 99.999999% of the population, us mortals, find ourselves instead left to wish that we too didn't have pores, that we too had a stomach that closely resembled a washboard, and that we too were made up of 3/4 legs; maybe my letter to Santa got lost? 

Maybe you have don't have hips, maybe you do. Maybe you have double D's,  maybe you have A cups. Maybe you have thin pins, maybe you have thick ankles. Maybe you have a case of the mum-bum, or maybe you're Kim Kardashian. Don't make me go on and on; we all have different body types, but must we define them in any set category, must we label ourselves: curvy, hourglass, or boyish? Must every large chested lady out there need an empire waist?  Must every woman under 5"4' never be able to wear capri pants? Seriously, it's the 21st century, if we can have phones that have an application for just about everything except making us dinner, surely we can put these archaic rules to rest. 

Because, if I hear one more person throw around the word 'curvy' in relation to a size 6 model, or if I see one more cover page of a magazine promoting "50 ways to dress your 'curvy' body", I just might lose it. As in tear- the-magazine-off the-shelf-and-stomp-on-it lose it. Sure, society would like to pretend that we have come leaps and bounds. That we can, and I quote, "embrace a full figure", but let's face the cold hard truth, all we have really done is invent a new word for 'fat'. We haven't liberated women or made them feel empowered about their bodies; "curvy" still isn't seen to be something desirable, and it won't be so long as we continually parade size zero models down the runway, and bombard the general public with hocus-pocus fad diets involving either grapefruit or cayenne pepper and maple syrup. 

With high profile models like Kate Moss publicly claiming that "nothing tastes as good as skinny", it's shows not only is the fashion industry not setting the best example for young women, but that Ms. Moss hasn't tasted anything quite so good as my granny's apple pie.  But, wouldn't it be nice if rather than try to categorize ourselves into some societal 'norm' dictated by an industry that survives on celery and red bull, if we just accepted that our body is our body, and dressed it as we pleased (even if that means an empire waist or capri pants).....it's a rhetorical question. 

A Girl's Guide to Embracing your Body (whatever size it may be)

1. I've said it once, and I will say it again, size is just a number. Swallow your pride, and admit that you are muffin topping out of the size you would rather wear. 

2. Go buy a push up bra, or Spanx; buy whatever you need to make yourself feel the best you can, no one needs to know.

3. Do yourself a favour, and don't compare yourself to your best friend, your new boyfriends ex-girlfriend, or that girl on TV promoting yogurt.

4. All the grapefruit in the world isn't going to change your bone structure;  There are some things no amount of diet and exercise will change- focus on the things you like- I guarantee you someone out there is envious of you just the way you are. 

5. He's focusing on little else apart from the fact that you are naked...in his bed...and naked. You're the only one thinking about your dimply thighs, stop. 

PS. Half way through this post, curiousity got the best of me and I googled the definition of 'curvy', here's the results it yielded: adjective

Having a full, voluptuous figure: buxom, curvaceous, shapely, well-developed. Informal built. Slang stacked. See beautiful/ugly.

Not entirely sure why I might want to see beautiful/ugly for a further definition, but boy am I glad that I now have the green light to tell that woman in the changing room that those jeans really work for her built body, or that I'm jealous of her well-developed figure.

Getting over it....one shop at a time

There was a 50% off sale, hellooooo, you obviously had to get both dresses.
Of course you'll find an occasion to wear it.
No, this denim skirt is so much different from the three other denim skirts you already own. Duh.
Sure, $250 is a lot for jeans, but they are totally an investment piece.
The sales lady at Holts complimented you on it.
ALL the sales ladies at Aritzia complimented you on it. 

Let's just stop the never ending excuses and admit it, it felt good didn't it? It felt good that you could buy it, even better when your best friend complimented you on it, and even-even better when that guy checked you out in it.

Every girl whose been through a breakup, failed an exam, got into a fight with a friend, had a rough day, or a rough night- correction: every girl on the planet- knows how beneficial retail therapy is. How do I explain it? It's that quick surge of excitement as they swipe your card--approved--as they hand over the bag of new loot that now belongs to you. It's that rush of adrenaline, as you clutch the handles, overwhelmed with the feeling that you want to do it all over again rather than spend any more time thinking about that breakup, failed exam, fight, or rough day/night. It's uplifting.

With Telus hunting me down daily, a Visa bill I can't bare to look at, rent to pay, and KD to buy, I'm not exactly "in the market to shop". Metaphorically speaking, I'm not even near the market. I am outside the market, pan handling. That however doesn't mean I've kicked the shopping habit completely. No, no, no, I wouldn't be writing a shopping blog if I had, nor would I have an entire storage locker of clothes if I had. No boys and girls, what I've done is become more saavy if you will, at least as far as shopping is concerned. When it comes to shopping I can definitely give some pointers for when the shopping bug starts to itch, and if it's not the shopping bug that's itching all I can do is recommend getting to your local clinic, or web MD.

Dr. Emily's 1 to 5 "Therapy Plan" 

1. Pre set a limit you want to spend, take out the cash, leave your cards behind. Don't have the bank calling worried about "fraud alert" due to the unusual activity on your account.

2. Embrace Forever 21, it exists for a reason. Most trends only last a season, so don't buy for longevity. Their accessory department is the best thing since sliced bread. Everything clocks in at the $5 mark, so whether it's some aviators, chandelier earrings, a cuff bracelet, or all of the above, it won't break the bank.

3. Buy clothes that fit. No, you may not like that number on the tag,and yes, you may be just "five pounds away from your goal weight", but wearing things that are not the right size just emphasizes everything you do not want to emphasize. Size is just a number, cut the tag out if you must.

4. Try on the sexiest dress, and the highest heels. Everyone needs a "single lady" outfit to make her forget what's-his-face, and meet what-was-his-name?.

6. Stop in the food court for ice cream. Preferably after you've got bikini shopping out of the way.

The XY P.O.V

Boys. Boys. Boys. They are chronically late, find bathroom humour far too funny, and still weigh the same as they did in high school. Let's face it, there are some things we, as girls, will never understand about the opposite gender. And as we all know, there are some things they will never understand about us.

We go to the bathroom in threes, follow celebrity gossip religiously (hello, Brad and Angelina?) and have chocolate stashed in our sock drawer. As if that's not enough, we have a whole closet full of things that leave their minds whirling.

I have done my research and present you with the following 1 to 5 list of articles of clothing boys dislike (all of which I might add, I own):

1. At the top of the list we have Spanx. For any of you gents who have run in to control top garments somewhere in your travels, I am sure the experience was awkward for both involved parties. For those of you who have not come across (pun not intended) this miraculous invention, the girl was likely smart enough to take them off first, and yes, that is why she was taking so long in the bathroom

2. Leggings clock in at second on this list. One minute they are pants? The next they are spoiling an otherwise cute outfit by being worn underneath a skirt? As my roommates' boyfriend can be quoted as saying, "FYI, tights and leggings are just inconvenient socks".

3. Behind that we have A-line shirts. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that are too long to be a shirt, but too short to be a dress. In guy lingo, they kind of resemble a tent. As a friend once told me, " I don't understand why you wear all these flowy shirts, they don't look good, you should wear tight shirts".

4. Fourthly we've got Uggs. These things are really Uggly - okay I'm probably two years too late on that joke- but they are. Yes, they are comfortable, but what slipper isn't? These sheep skin boots look sloppy, and "show that a girl has given up on herself" (not my words).

5. Last but not least, is the stiletto heel. These stylish stilts are toothpick thin, and often four inches or more. The most perplexing part about the stiletto is how and/or why we gals walk around in them in the first place- to which I cannot answer. The second is why we insist on spending the entire evening whining, "my feet hurt soooooooooo much" -to which I must respond, you try walking in them.

A Girls' Guide to Guy Proofing Your Wardrobe

1. Girl, trust me, he doesn't need to know why that sexy bandage dress looks so sexy; keep him in the dust and take the Spanx/control top tights/duct tape off first. You can thank me after.

2. I blame 2006 for giving leggings a bad rap. Don't wear them underneath a denim mini, with ballet flats, instead, wear them with a long (not A-line) shirt, and boots. Retailers like American Apparel have a wide array of fun leggings, and though they will set you back $50, I personally believe they are worth the investment. That said, repeat the following with me: leggings are not pants. Leggings are not pants.

3.I hate articles that say 'don't wear this if you are curvy', so I will abstain from saying that in relation to this post. Instead, I will say this, I don't care if you are a size 2 or a size 22, a-line shirts are not exactly the most figure flattering. Look for garments that have an empire waist built in, or cinch them in with a belt. It will define your waist, give you that desirable hourglass figure, and ensure no one ever says "congratulations!"

4. I don't care if they are leather, fur, or metallic, save your Uggs for walking your dog, or taking out the trash, and promise to never wear a Juicy tracksuit to do either.

5. Guys do like heels, but they do not like the whimpering, and whining that comes with them. So all you gals out there have a choice: buy yourself some Dr. Scholl's and suck it up, or leave the stilettos/weapon at home, and wear a lower heel, or a wedge for more comfort and stability.

So boys, I know you may never fully understand it, but bear with us while we take off our fake eyelashes, clip in hair extensions, Bump it, push up bra, and control top tights, and relish in the fact that no matter what, we will always look better in your t-shirt.

"Vintage = Used = Pit Stains = No Thanks!"

Dear reader(s) -  pluralized on the off chance anyone but my sister is reading this.

I have a couple of confessions:

1. It has been at least 6 months since I last posted, which I suppose is more of a fact than a confession; let the confession be that I am lazy.

2. I went to Value Village the other day, and it was not to Halloween shop.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the latter is more important. 

Now, if any of you are like my mother, you might think the concept of thrift store shopping is scarier then the costumes they are presently selling. As she would say- while simultaneously thrusting Purell at me- "EWWW...used clothing?" 

Judge all you want, but I will be completely and 100% honest: I love val vill. Not only did I spend a mere $39 (and 94 cents), and come away with a coat, belt and boots, but I also got the opportunity to try on a lot of gaudy clothing. And by 'gaudy clothing', I mean stuff that may or may not have been inherited from Michael Jackson's last will and testament. Now was that too soon for a jab at MJ? Forgive me. RIP.

Hopefully we can get past that un-PC comment, and focus on the important things here, like how amazing the boots I bought were. For some background info, I have been wanting lace up boots for a good six months here, and while they were not exactly what I had in mind, the cashier lady gave them to me for $19. I couldn't say no. 

The point that I am trying to make in this passage, is not that I have forgotten how to write a coherent string of sentences in the six months, but rather, to promote thrift shopping. 

You can get that one-of-a-kind piece, that every girl on campus won't already own - because it is not from Aritzia- without the heavy mark up of vintage shopping. Sure it requires some hard work, and some hand sanitizer, but with these kind of savings, it is well worth it. 

A Girl's Guide to Thrifting:

- Get to your local Sally- Anne, and be prepared to dig, just not as far as the 80's. 

- Avoid shoulder pads all together. I do not care if Lady Gaga can pull them off.

- Take a friend. You may just need the moral support, or someone to talk you out of the blazer with the shoulder pads.

- Bi-pass everything in between, and head straight to the belt section. In my personal experience, they always seem to have original (and cheap) belts that will complete any outfit. 

-Be sure to bi-pass the underwear section all together. That's just gross.

- 100% polyester is not as appealing by the light of day. Read what it the garment is made from first to prevent buyers remorse. This is one tip I learned from my mother. That, and never buy anything that looks like you are headed to the Zion Ranch.

- Remember, tailors exist for a reason. People always seem to think of this as an unnecessary expense, but let me tell you this much,  a simple alteration could make that $7.99 skirt look like $79.99. 

- Everything, and I mean everything, spans from $5.99 to $19.99. You won't have to mortgage your home, or live of Ramen noodles for a week, to afford something. Buy both dresses.

- Last but not least,  you won't contract any fatal diseases from the clothing. There is nothing to be afraid of; leave your rubber gloves at home. 

5 Things I Beg you Never to Wear

Courtesy of: Guest blogger- Hilary Macmillan

Hello Ladies and Gents,

I warn you to read with caution. In no way will I sugar coat this and no, I am not self-declaring myself “fashion guru” but I BEG you please stop wearing these things because maybe if the world is lucky, people will stop buying these items and then eventually companies will stop making them and we could hold a bonfire and burn all these excess items. Is it terribly off-putting that this is my dream? 

I understand the notion of personal style and how important it is to express yourself through your clothing but please, please, when waking up in the morning, or afternoon I beg you, pretty please with a cherry on top, forgo any of these items. Please just put them in the trash, or recycling now.

This item is my pet peeve - this horrific trend needs to cease to exist: plastic, holey shoes. Yes my dears, CROCS. PLEASE REFRAIN. This trend is out of control! Did you know there are even such things as croc charms? Those are 2 words I wish I never had to utter. 

Mom Jeans. Enough said. These horrendous jeans do not flatter anyone. If all else fails ladies please just opt for nice dark denim, it does not have to be low rise it can be a simple boot cut.

Now this one, you would think, is strictly for the guys but unfortunately I have experienced this “trend” (can I even call it that?) on women. Super low rise jeans. The kind that are so terrifyingly low that on ladies you can see, dare I say it, their unsightly regions. Now for you men out there, if your jeans are hanging off of you that means your jeans are too big. Do not just go and buy a belt, sacrifice them for the greater good. 

This isn’t so much an article of clothing as much as it is just a general faux-pas. Bra straps, clear or not, should not be shown. I know you ladies think you are being clever by wearing clear bra straps but in no way are they invisible. They look the same as fabric ones. Please just buy a strapless bra, or sacrifice that fabulous halter dress or top. There is nothing worse that a woman who is wearing a halter top with her bra straps showing, it is simply unsightly. We have all made this mistake but if you want a really great strapless bra even for ladies who have bigger chests buy the Wacoal Silver halo lace convertible strapless bra. Make sure you buy the right size!!! I cannot stress how important it is to get a bra fitting. It might seem a little awkward but suck it up and go.  

Finally, fleece. If you aren’t camping or a lumberjack lets just not wear fleece of any kind: pants, jackets, or sweaters, ok? Thanks!